Interview with: KHRISANDRA
Recorded June 17, 2018
Interviewer: Emma Millett
E : Emma Millett
K : Khrisandra Tark
E: How often do you wear makeup?
K: Every of the days.
E: Every day, okay. How much makeup do you wear typically? Walk me through the regiment.
K: I put on some foundation. Then I put on bronzer. I have eyeliner that I put on, sometimes. That’s only on special occasions, when I’m going out with hot guys. And I wear fake eyelashes so that I don’t have to put mascara on.
E: Okay. How often do you get your lashes filled?
K: Uh… every two to three weeks?
E: Okay. And what size do you wear.
K: Regular? *laughs* Classics?
E: Okay, classics. Okay, anything else? Any other eye makeup, eye shadow, blush, lipstick?
K: Uh, I put chapstick on. And it makes my lips glossy. And sometimes I’ll put blush on. But I don’t really use eye shadow, unless I’m going on a hot date, and I’m trying to look freaking sexy.
K: Put that in writing.
E: It will be.
K: You can publish that one.
E: Do you typically go out in public without makeup?
K: Um, it depends. If I’m, like, working out, I’ll just like put foundation on or something.
E: Okay, so you put on foundation to work out?
K: That just covers all my redness on my face. And blemishes.
E: Why do you want that covered?
K: Um, because I don’t feel like it looks pretty. And I don’t sweat a lot on my face, so it doesn’t like sweat off anyways. It’s not like I’m caking it on, I just… just a little bit.
E: So you, um, okay why do you want to look pretty when you go out?
K: Because I’m around people. And I want to look pretty when I’m around people.
K: Because people like pretty faces to look at. They don’t like looking at ugly faces.
E: How do you determine what is pretty and what is ugly?
K: By what I see. I don’t know, there’s like lots of people who don’t wear a lot of makeup, and they’re like beautiful. And then there’s some people who wear like a ton of makeup and they’re hideous. So, it kinda just depends on… beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So like, Emma Millett, she doesn’t wear any makeup. She doesn’t do her hair one bit! And, she like walks out of the shower and she’s like, ready for church! She’s like, done.
E: But do you think that… Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “You need to wear makeup”? Be honest.
E: Do you think you would have that reaction if you yourself did not wear makeup?
K: Because I’m hideous!
E: Would you go on a date without make-
K: *interrupts* HELL. NO.
K: Because you’re trying to impress someone, and my face isn’t impressive without makeup.
E: Why not? Like… does it bother you that they don’t see your real face on a date?
K: No, because I keep it natural enough that they don’t actually know that I’m wearing makeup, but I technically am, wearing a ton of makeup.
E: But I mean like, does it bother you that on a date, they’re seeing the prepared version-
K: Like a fake side?
E: – of you, versus the real version of your face.
K: No way. Because an apostle once said that, like, the first time you get to know somebody, you don’t wanna like, tell them all your secrets, in a sense.
E: So are you saying that your face is a secret?
K: Yeah! Definitely! Because once you fall in love with someone’s personality, the it doesn’t matter what they look like. And so I need to make sure I look pretty prior to when they get to know me and love me, and then I’ll reveal my true self, physically.
E: Do you at all think that could be damaging? To you or your relationship?
K: No. I don’t think so.
E: Why not?
K: I think that it’s not damaging because we just expect that that’s happening. We just expect that a girl is wearing makeup, we expect that maybe she has hair extensions, or eyelash extensions, maybe her hair is dyed differently and that’s not her real hair, or her real nails. You just expect that they’re gonna look fake. Maybe she has fake breasts or something. Um, you expect that. But you’re attracted to beautiful people. Like, that’s a thing. Normally, people aren’t attracted to just people’s personality. If someone has an awesome personality, but they’re hideous, like that’s [it’s rare for a person] to be attracted [to that]. So, girls, or me, I’m over here trying my hardest to look, in a sense, as fake as possible so that the guys can come hang out with me and once I got them trapped, then I’ll reveal my true self. It’s not healthy, but it is essential.
E: How can you prove that it’s essential?
K: It’s worked.
E: For every case that you had where that was true, I could find one where it wasn’t. So how do you prove that it’s essential?
K: Well, it’s essential to my life.
E: Says who?
K: It’s not essential to Emma Millett’s life.
E: Who decided that it was essential to your life?
K: Uh, me. And society.
E: Um *laughing* let the record show that Khrisandra just slapped me across the face. Khrisandra, do you understand and agree that you did slap me across the face?
E: Okay, how long have you worn makeup? How old were you when you started wearing makeup?
K: Ummmmm I used to wear a ton of makeup, like eye shadow every single day, in high school. I never, like, went.. I was like always wearing eyeshadow. Which I feel like is a lot more heavy of a makeup. And I.. probably around, like, right after I graduated is when I stopped wearing a lot of makeup, and like tried that natural beauty crap that Emma’s talking about. And it just like, like going fully nude on the face.
E; How did you feel about yourself when you did that? At that time?
K: It was less maintenance, and that was kinda why I was doing it. But I still, like, felt really ugly. Like, no guy would like this side of me.
E: Okay. So how old were you when you first started wearing makeup?
K: probably like 11 or 12. IS that like 6th grade? 7th grade? Whatever that age is.
E: How do you feel about yourself when you wear makeup?/
K: like a million bucks. On good days. There are good days and bad days. Like when your makeup doesn’t go on good?
E: How do you feel when you don’t wear makeup?
K: Haven’t we already talked about this? Like a piece of poop!
E: You’ve told me a little bit about how you feel about your face, but not really how you feel about you.
K: I feel… incomplete. Like, when you told me not to wear makeup, and when you told me like, don’t do your hair. And I’m over here changing and trying to look cute, like it was so uncomfortable for me. Like I was like trying on some stuff, and I was like “no”. Like I need to do my hair and I need to do my makeup prior to putting my clothes on to like complete.. It made me a little nervous. Like, it gave me anxiety a little bit.
E: Okay, we’ll come back to this. How do you feel when you.. You’re avoiding this question a little bit.
E: Because you don’t want to answer how you feel about yourself. This is the most vulnerable part of the interview.
K: I don’t do that.
E: Well, welcome to the interview portion. *laughs*
E: I’ll phrase it a little different maybe. When you look in the mirror, and you have no makeup on, what do you tell yourself?
K: You ugly.
E: What are the thoughts that are going through your head about you?
K: You’re hideous.
E: What else?
K: Uh… put on some makeup.
E: Okay, what else. How do you feel about yourself that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your physical appearance?
K: You’re sounding like a counselor, Emma.
E: Call me doctor.
K: Well, doc…. Uh… how do I feel, how do I feel…? Uh.. it’s like not me. Like, I feel like that me is that fake person, and this natural me just like doesn’t exist. Because I’ve worn makeup for so long, and I’ve done my hair for so long, and stuff, that I’m just not myself. And so, if I like go out in public, that I’m not truly me. Makes sense?
K: Is that like answering your question?
E: A little bit, yeah. So when you’re wearing makeup, you are yourself.
K: Yeah, I’m like more accepted.
E: Okay. Um, when you wear makeup, how do you feel about the other version of yourself. How does “made up” Khrisandra feel about the non-”made up” Khrisandra?
K: She doesn’t exist!
E: Like, if she did exist.
K: Well, that’s what I’m saying, like, the makeup Khrisandra, doesn’t think anything of the non makeup Khrisandra, but the non-makeup Khrisandra wishes that she looked like the makeup Khrisandra. Like, she almost envies her. And wishes that she could be like that beautiful, ljust normally.
E: But makeup Khrisandra doesn’t give a thought to non makeup Khrisandra?
K: Doesn’t give a …”
E: *laughing* A what?
K: A thought.
E: So, what I’m hearing you say is that makeup Khrisandra doesn’t care about non-makeup Khrisandra.
K: That is correct.
E: Do you feel like other people feel the same way about non-makeup Khrisandra?
E: Like, people don’t care about makeup Khrisandra but they don’t care as much about Khrisandra that doesn’t have makeup
K: Let the record show that Emma used the word “care”. That’s something that I don’t think… often people don’t do. I don’t think people care about other people. People don’t, persay care if you’re wearing makeup, as long as you’re pretty. Or people don’t care that you have extensions or eyelash extensions or fake nails or anything as long as you are a sight to see. Or as long as you are acceptable in their world. So when you use the word “care”… people don’t. People don’t care about other people, naturally. As long as you look pretty, it doesn’t matter
E: So when you don’t wear makeup, you feel less cared about? And less loveable?
K:*nods and finger guns*
E: So that version of Khrisandra is not loved, not cared for, not loveable.
K: Ya got it.
E: Okay, now let’s talk about the photoshoot specifically. What were your thoughts and feelings during the photoshoot itself? Like, as we were taking pictures and you were posed in front of a camera without makeup and without your hair being done?
K: Oh, I was so uncomfortable. Especially because people were like walking by me. It was the worst. I don’t know what else you’re asking for, it was just awful. *laughing*
E: *laughs* Just, how did you feel? You never answer that question.
K: I know.
E: You always answer like another version of it. How did you feel doing the photoshoot?
K: I don’t like that question.
K: Because it makes me vulnerable, and I don’t like being vulnerable. That’s something that I hide. So, next question. *laughs*
E: *laughs* Okay, I’m gonna ask one more time, to give you the chance to answer that question. And you don’t have to.
K: How do I feel about what?
E: What were the emotions and the feelings that you experienced during the photoshoot?
K: I was uncomfortable.
E: That’s not really an emotion.
K: It’s a feeling. I felt like, not pretty, and like ashamed that I was out in public, and that I was so ugly. And so hideous. Like, people were honking by us, and I was just like wanting to hide my face. For sure.
E: So you call non makeup Khrisandra the “real” Khrisandra.
E: But what I’m hearing is that you feel ashamed of her. You feel ashamed of the real Khrisandra.. Is that what you’re saying?
K: Yeah. Yeah.
E: Okay. Are you able to see any effects of that in your life? Are you able to pick out other parts of your life that are affected by that?
E: Do you want to expand on that?
K: One of the questions you asked was what my standard of beauty was. And like with Rachel, it doesn’t matter if she’s wearing so much makeup or a little makeup, like I still think she’s beautiful because of her personality and because I know her. And I must not know myself very well, because I think that I need makeup to be beautiful.